Roots, Reflection, and Recognition
I started today feeling drained. I could chalk it up to the Full Moon or to intense study I did over the weekend and yesterday, but today, I didn’t really care as much about the “why.”
I needed the “so now what?” “What do I do to get out of this?”
I knew some of what was happening.
Over-analysis paralysis from all the knowledge in my head, that I was trying to, again, force myself to do something with
Putting perfectionism and pressure on myself
Continuing to focus more on business, when I’d set personal and health goals for myself for Q2, based on my intuition
Sensing a theme here? I wasn’t.
My mentor had given me some suggestions last night, and I thought I’d work on them today - work being “think” on them. But when I woke up, I was just meh.
I felt a ‘nudge’ to pick up one of my Human Design books. This nudge was my intuition.
I’d been having some fears pop up recently, but wasn’t sure what they were about - I was getting a physical feeling, but no clarity.
One thing you can do when this happens is:
Find a quiet space to just breathe for a few minutes. This will ground you, and then you can ask yourself, “Why are these feelings coming up? What fears are they representing?” Once you know, you can breathe through it and imagine the fears floating away, or you can do a word vomit in your journal to work through/release the fears.
In this case, I’d been nudged to HD. I went to look at my gates in my Spleen Center, which is where we hold fears. One of them said that the way the gate shows up when it’s out of alignment is with "frustration.” It was a huge lightbulb, and duh, moment for me because as a Generator, frustration is #1 indicator that I’m operating out of alignment. Oops. This turned out to be a huge moment because until now, I’d been able to recognize past frustrations, but never in the moment. In realtime I was able to stop, recognize I’d popped myself out of alignment, and understand how much I’d been pushing myself. Which according to HD, I’m not supposed to do.
The second word in the title of this blog, is the second piece of my morning. As it happens when you start to tune more into energy and energetics, synchronicities show up. Not coincidences in my opinion, because it’s not random.
A friend reached out to say good morning and ask how she could support me today, including did I need a pep talk? You bet I did! I messaged her back, explained what was tripping me up, how I was pushing myself and getting in my own way. She messaged back, something that felt so profound it stopped me in my tracks.
I spend a lot of time seeing other people, and reflecting back to them. I love it. I’m happy to help in that way. But I couldn’t see that I needed it done for me. I needed someone to reflect back to me.
The last moment that happened today, was the one that prompted this post. I was out on the deck, watering our plants that are out there. I’ve got a pretty black thumb - I’ve even killed bamboo - but as I was watering my mom’s petunia, it looked like the roots needed some pruning. There was a lot of dead foliage on them. So even though it’s 92 degrees here, and feels like 98, there was a brisk enough wind for me to sit out and work on those roots. And damn, if that didn’t give me a big ole real life example.
The stems of the plant were all overlapping each other. They needed to have the dead stuff cleared out. Excavated. …and wasn’t that what I also needed?
I’m super aware I’m a personal growth junkie. I fricking love it! It helps me be my most authentic self.
I’m also a fast iterator. This is a terms another friend and I came up with because we tend to be able to make changes quickly, and keep going. In fact, both she and I had some pretty big breakthroughs recently, which is that amazing high, followed by the integration period which feels like a super low.
What I hadn’t done, for a long time, is pause and look at my roots. What deep stuff needed to be cleared out? More than just a salt bath would do. What did kind of excavation did my own roots need?
I don’t have answers yet, but I know that the way to find them is for me to take an intentional pause. To not push to get answers. To give myself some space to take my own advice from above: breathe and journal. To cultivate trust, that giving myself space propels me forward. It doesn’t hold me back, like old patterns would have me believe.
